So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
