If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
