A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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