BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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