Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
