I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
