Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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