she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
