i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
