he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
