The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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