wakey wakey hands off snakey
Michael Bay diarrhea
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
