So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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