It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My vagina is officially offended.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
