Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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