He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
