I wish I could punch you in the face.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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