So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
