mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
