i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
