i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
