i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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