I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
