Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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