Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
