Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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