'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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