somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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