Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
not ubering you a puppy
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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