Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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