how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just cropdusted the office
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
