i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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