I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize