32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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