sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
