i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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