I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
