apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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