I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
