the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
