who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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