i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
