Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
