I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
