i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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