you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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