Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
