I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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