you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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