im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
