The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
