You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
