Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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