i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
