i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
