Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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