This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
