I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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