Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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