i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
