After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
